The Rant Aisle

Editor’s Note: Dr. Doom is still stuck in that Phantom Zone. To be honest, I don’t really understand it, but Reed Richards just showed up and he seems to be getting to the bottom of it. Previously, we have had some less than appropriate guest writers to cover for the missing dictator. This week will be no different. Although we did get a bona fide god. Faithful readers, I give you the mighty Thor.

Hail and well met, friends. It is I, the Odinson, your thunder god. Yon editor asked a small favor of me, that I might dispense some measure of guidance to thee. Verily, as I am god of thunder, wielder of terrible Mjolnir, I could do nothing save accept! Once thou had to read the incoherent ramblings of a tyrannical madman, today thou hast the pleasure to listen to a god!

And no sniveling god of beauty am I! I say thee nay! I am god of the storm! Of thunder and lighting! And upon the day of Ragnarok, I shall slay the villain Loki and lead the glorious dead of Valhalla upon a mighty crusade! The very heavens shall shake at my terrible wrath!

Yon editor has just informed me that I am not to make anymore doomsday threats. He has explained that there is enough of that when Dr. Doom is the author.

Very well, my wrath shall be stayed for a time. I shall be as a summer’s day, clear and pacific. I shall think not upon my evil half-brother, no doubt making mischief even now, mocking the just and rightful order of things.

My blood doth boil at the thought. I shall answer letters now.

DEAR DOOM: I work at a small company that markets a specialized type of software. I am tech support, which essentially means that it is my job to listen to the entire company whine to me after they break their computers. None of this is really my problem. I’ve become an expert at ignoring service requests.

The problem is this: a few months ago I was very unhappy with my supervisor. I thought he was spineless and he didn’t stand up for us enough, especially when it came to matters like advancement and new equipment. He was laid off when we had a merger, and the entire company was re-structured.

In the course of this, they hired an executive to “oversee” all of production, which includes tech support. While she is not my superior, (she’s not really anyone’s boss, let alone superior, she just seems to be a bureaucratic roadblock) she has taken over tech support, making sure all service requests go through her. I talked to friends in the graphics and programming departments, and it’s the same for them!

Help me, Dr. Doom. This woman is evil and needs to be stopped. She’s incessantly cheerful and highly obnoxious. I have to do something! The health and well-being of the entire company is at stake! –FEELING POSTAL IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD

DEAR POSTAL: Aye, I have had similar problems. Thy spirits should rise considering the fact that she is not thy half-brother, nor is she god of mischief! Nay, friend. Hearken to the call that sings within thy blood even as it sings in mine! That is the dirge of Valhalla, friend! Remember, should thou die in glorious combat, thy blood spilled by an enemy, thou would be brought to Valhalla, where thou would feast for all eternity!

Verily, thou should go forth and slay this foul creature. Crack her upon the head with thy mallet! Thou will have thy reward, in this life or the next!

DEAR DOOM: I have been with the same man for several years. We are very much in love and I would like to marry him. The problem is, he wants to move across the country for a job. I don’t want to break up, but I’ve seen what distance can do to committed relationships. Should I go with him? Should I stay and try to make it work? Or should I just save myself the heartache and break up with him? –CONFUSED AND IN LOVE

DEAR CONFUSED: Smite him! Smite him as the lightning smites the ground. There is an ancient proverb among the Norse: If you love someone, smite them. They will not get away if they are unconscious.

DEAR DOOM: It has been a long, long time since I have had the opportunity to consummate a relationship, of you take my meaning. Needless to say, I am getting a little bit anxious. I can’t concentrate. I pace. I have even started smoking.

Recently, I have become attracted to a woman of my acquaintance. I thought it was a passing thing, but it has not gone away. I have not done anything about it, but the other night she made a pass at me. The problem is, I know she is married. I know her husband, and I don’t really like him, but I can’t break up their marriage. I know that is wrong.

My resolve is wearing down. Everyday I see her, I like her husband less. What should I do? –ANXOIUS IN ANCHORAGE

DEAR ANXIOUS: Sheath thy Midgard serpent! Verily, the mighty Thor doth not approve of extra-marital relations. Unless thou art pillaging her town, in which case there be precedence.