The Rant Aisle

This weekend at Comic-Con I learned something that shook me to the core: The Watchmen movie might not suck.

Ignoring the horrible (and thankfully false) news that Keanu would be pissing all over yet another beloved comic character, I just wasn’t taken with Zack Snyder as director. Not that he’s untalented. Quite the opposite in fact. I liked 300 and his Dawn of the Dead remake as much as the next guy, even if they were basically the same movie. He’s just not the ideal choice for Watchmen. This isn’t survival horror, this wouldn’t benefit from a digital backlot, and the action sequences aren’t what you’d call lush. All of this got me thinking: if I had my druthers, who would direct Watchmen and other comic movies? I’m going to take a couple mulligans here, even in the case of actual good movies, just because I think they could have been better. And besides, this thing is called “The Rant Aisle” not “The I Can’t Compain Aisle.”

Due to its sheer size and density, Watchmen will never make a truly coherent movie, but it could make an excellent HBO miniseries. The multiple timelines are dizzying and this is a comic that nearly fetishizes the flashback. And no, just because Uwe Boll loves flashbacks, I’m not going to suggest him. To the surprise of absolutely no one that knows me, I’d say Christopher Nolan is the ideal Watchmen director. The man has made a career of time-bending narratives and has recently directed the most realistic (and not to mention best) comic adaptation of all time. And this is the only, and I repeat only man who could portray Dr. Manhattan as something more impressive than Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

Batman Begins is probably as close to the perfect Batman film as we’ll ever get. Still, the idea of adapting Frank Miller’s masterpiece, The Dark Knight Returns is something that keeps fanboys like me up at night. But Christopher Nolan isn’t the right guy for the job. (On a side note, I sort of feel like Champ Kind when it comes to Nolan, like if I ever met him I’d start drunkenly hollering, “I miss your scent… I miss your musk… when this is over, we should get an apartment together.” Man, I’m so not in the Trust Tree right now. Anyway…) Dark Knight is about a dystopian future, a Gotham in ruins held hostage by the ultraviolent gangs of the future. Sound familiar? Maybe like a recent better-than-Bladerunner sci-fi masterpiece? Alfonso Cuaron, director of Children of Men¸ could capture the horror of Dark Knight and turn it into something beyond great.

I liked the X-Men movies. The central problem with them is that they’re a little underwhelming. I own the first two (and will never, ever, buy the third), but I never watch them. Singer has a peculiar kind of magic: his movies are great as they’re happening, but always seem underwhelming in retrospect. The best aspect he brought to the films was updating the subtext from the original civil rights era message to the current gay rights undertones. Singer’s interpretation is definitly valid, but I’d be interested to see what Spike Lee would do with an X-Men movie. If only to see the lengths he’d go to get Halle Berry topless. Again.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen never happened. Understand me? So we’re not going to discuss a hypothetical version that dumbed down one of the most influential comics of the past decade. It’s a comic that has the potential to become a baroque masterpiece, a spectacle with so many English lit references it becomes the Kill Bill for the tweed set, but you need the right guy. Two words: Terry Gilliam. Two more words: ‘nuff said.

In probably the worst news I’ve heard since Mark Steven Johnson’s last project, Johnson will be helming the HBO series version of Garth Ennis’ Preacher. I’ve defended the other directors on this list because while I might like some of their other films, I don’t think they’re right for the project to which they’re linked. Well, that’s just not the case for Johnson. The man is a hack. He might just be the most untalented man in Hollywood, but considering the ease with which he collects projects, I’m beginning to think he might not actually be a person but rather this generation’s Alan Smithee. Seriously, Daredevil? Have you seen it? I wish I could describe it, but I only saw it the one time and my eyes were shooting blood for the last half hour. In any case, having Johnson adapt Preacher would be like having a penguin perform open-heart surgery. The goddamn thing doesn’t have thumbs, and whatever the cinematic equivalent of thumbs are, Johnson doesn’t have them. Anyway, Quentin Tarantino is the right choice. Let’s move on before I jam something into my eye.

I wonder if anyone else saw the Punisher movie and wondered when Frank Castle started acting like Johnny Knoxville. Making Punisher isn’t rocket science. It’s the story about a thug with a gun and a giant skull on his shirt. How hard is it to realize that the Punisher might, I don’t know, actually use a firearm? The film was a half-hearted adaptation of Ennis’ black comedy Welcome Back, Frank which would make a darn good movie, if only they had a real director, someone that can handle comedy and ridiculously over the top violence. Who would that be? Zack Snyder! See what I did there? Anyone who’s seen 300 and Dawn of the Dead knows how perfect Snyder is for this. And he would make it R rated and it would rule all.

I could do this all day. Let me tell you, I was just shocked by that Watchmen bombshell. Snyder seems like a smart guy who loves and respects the property, so he might, just might, get it right.

Not as right as Nolan would get it. Hear me, Chris? I miss your scent!